Did you have something in your self that even you your self hate it? I do have a lot of it. And still idk why those things are still here and dammit why I can't take it off my self??!
Doh.I'm too naive. Over thinking. Self-centered. Selfish. Not as strong as I was. Too many bad imagination. I can feel it I can't be so calm doing everything with thoughts of the last-thing-happened-ever
Goddammit I should be dead.
Alot of new things happened nicely and miserably on me since I've been touched outside my world. It was and still messy but I can't afford liking it. I know him. I know her. I know them. Get to know him, her and they. Then it's not her-him-or-they anymore; it became US.
Silly how much I want to split out how terrible I AM now, I still can't. I shouldn't bring too much of my privacy on blog x_x dangerous. For me.
To a special person. Very special special special person
I want to apologize and thank you, anyway. Even if you said somehow boring with blogging, and if that means you dont wanna see anything on my blog. You're my first almost on all the new experience. 1st band. 1st song (I made my first inspired when I couldn't afford to feel embarassed I can't even know the small things I used to do can hurt you 
). 1st man (you're not a boy anymore. I know that and I like that). 1st koibito (so do the 1st backstreet). 1st hug. 1st kiss. 1st love. 1st person I care too much. 1st happiness I can't tell. 1st person made me feel like I can do anything fot you. 1st ride. 1st man I sitted down right beside me on my living room (well, if there's a boy or man on my living room, I'll always sit in front of him; as a host offcourse. But different wit you). 1st motivation and support. 1st 22nd December. 1st partner (euh..sorry if you don't feel the same. I do sorry 
). 1st person I feel that I should be dead for every hurting you. 1st fear of being hated. 1st weak weak weakness. 1st person that made me think I should be more girly. 1st pslasrue (random letters. Feel bothered to re-arrange it by yourself). 1st man who spoil me in the way I like. 1st attention and care I got from a man-other-than-family-and-close-girl-friends (and that feels good. Very good). 1st yosakoi. 1st pray everyday everytime beside my parents. 1st person I want to be with forever. 1st person I want to have my childs with and always beside me after that 'till rising 
.I'm so sorry for you to have a girlfriend like meh. Imma totally badass. You shouldn't call me an ice breaker
I still can't really break the ice of you so you will feel comfortable to lemme know what's inside your head, your heart, how actually honestly you're feeling, why are you this and why are you that, what you want from me, how do you think of me. There's still an unbroken-ed ice on you. frozen and strong. It don't even visible like an ice. I can't see trough it. It is more like a rock. Do you know how much I want to hold you not outside the ice? I know you're more even warm inside. I want to understand you better than I understand my own self. I know you deserve someone much better than me I'm sorry for that but I want that's ME. You know I love you And minna san, so sorry for all this saying. Silly me I know. I just want to write what I want to say out loud right now. Let's feel bothered about reading this, so let us leave it alone
Shinpaishinaide Mao chan...daijoubu dakara
Just remember all the supporting words and power he had ever gave you. Don't even memorize the bad things happened before. Just think he loves you eventhough not like you love him. Don't you ever imagine you'll had someone like him before, huh, Mao chan? Now you have better than you could ever expect! 
, Mao chan!! What's the big deal you the Lucky Badass?? He care about you anyway.Arigatou ne Papah chan
Hontou ni, hontou ni aishite iru no wa.. 
Gomen ne.. 
